Growing up—I've always gravitated to feminine things. Think: Barbies, tea parties, my grandma's jewelry collection. They were all prerequisites for what was going to come in my life. The realization that I was trans-feminine.If you ask Merriam-Webster what the definition of trans-feminine was, you get this: "of, relating to, or being a person whose gender identity is partially or fully feminine and differs from the sex the person was identified as having at birth" "Transfeminine people are people who were assigned male at birth (AMAB) but identify more with a feminine identity.—Sian Ferguson"
But for myself, being transfemme, is more than a scientific definition. It's an embracing of affinities, interests, and a lifestyle that I was envious of. It's a life decision of being a part of a community that embraces you.
Picture this: my mom would have to work early and with that, my grandma would babysit both my brother and I. And I'd always catch my grandma before she put on her iconic red Maybelline lipstick, and her rosy blush. The way I'd ask, plead, reckon, and bargin with her to put it on me. She wouldn't. Not because she felt a certain way about LGBT's, more of, she didn't want to waste her "nice" things. But as a compromise, she would let me put on elaborate chocolate milk tea parties with her, her porcelain doll collection and myself. Mind you, I'm between the ages of 6 and 10.
But she knew, they all knew, it was no secret. In hindsight, I was blessed to have a family that was so understanding about being queer and wanting "girl" things over boy things. My mom always got me a Barbie when I wanted one, let me watch 4Kids Cardcaptor Sakura, Tokyo Mew Mew at 7AM in her room while she got ready for work. But at that time. I was still a little boy. Not a girl, not trans (yet) and was still relegated to the body and presentation that made me fit in.
But let's fast forward to 2020, we're in the height of lock down and I'm freshly laid off from my photo retoucher job. The "normal" attire you wear to jobs such as that is all black, top, jeans, shoes, something that makes you blend in and doesn't pull too many eyes. Retouchers are incredibly hermit-esque. But 2020 gave me a lot of time to think and ponder: "who did I want to be? Am I happy now? Do I like who I am?" It's a lot on top of a global pandemic. But ironically, Netflix's 'Queer Eye' helped me realize and get in touch with who I was. And that was Jonathan Van Ness.
Cardcaptor Sakura (CLAMP Studios) was always my feminine aspiration as a child.
